The Lord of the Rings: The Abridged Script
by Calanteli
Summary: Because not everyone has time to read the books or watch the movies...
1. The Fellowship of the Ring

_I know doing something like this has become quite popular and we don't intend to plagiarise. This started many years ago as part of my brother's school project where he had to write a creative story. He opted for an abridged script-parody of the Two Towers (with some contribution by my sister and I). Now, reading over it again, it still cracks me up and after some prompting, have decided to write a similar script for The Fellowship of the Ring and The Return of the King and share it._

_This script would not have been possible without many hilarious sources of inspiration (in no particular order):_

– _J.R.R Tolkien's 'The Lord of the Rings' and Peter Jackson's film adaptation_

– _Legendary Frog (check out his videos on Newgrounds .com)_

– _Morthoron (read his hilarious LOTR parody here on FanFiction .net)_

– _Diana Wynne Jones' 'A Tough Guide to Fantasyland' (mandatory reading for all fantasy readers and writers)_

– _Rod (check out his abridged scripts at the-editing-room .com)_

– _A little bit of Shakespeare_

– _Movies, YouTube videos, RPGs, songs and books too numerous to list_

– _The way too active combined imagination of my brother, sister and I_

**'**_**Mandatory' disclaimer thingy**: Obviously I do not own any of the LOTR characters or any of the works which have been references (both covertly and noticeably; knowingly and unknowingly). This has merely been written for non-profit fun, so enjoy and please comment!_

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**Lord of the Rings:The Abridged Script**

**The Fellowship of the Ring**

_(Frodo is sitting idly in his the kitchen of Bag End, drinking tea. Outside, birds are chirping, the grass is green, and the sun is shining in tender reminiscence of ye olde idyllick English countryside)_

**Gandalf** _(appearing suddenly)_: You there! Midget–

**Frodo:** Hobbit…

**Gandalf:** Whatever. You short people look all the same to me. Anyway, you seem like conveniently un-heroic material to go on a quest filled with terror and death to defeat the Dark Lord against your will. Grab the Ring and let's go.

**Frodo:** What ring?

**Gandalf:** The One Ring to Rule Them All. _Obviously_. Or is there another ring of overpowering evil that I do not know about that your uncle has been stashing for the past 50 years? _(Silence)_ No, did not think so. Now, quit wasting time! The fate of Middle Earth hangs on a shoe string!

**Sam** _(barging in through the window)_: Now, Mr Frodo ain't goin' anywhere without me! I mean, every hero needs a convenient side-kick who will act as his literary foil and…

**Gandalf:** Yes, yes. You may come. Meet me at the sign of the Prancing Pony.

**Frodo:** Wait! Aren't you coming with us?

**Gandalf:** Heck no! I have important wizard business to attend to in the cliché wizard's tower of the soon-to-turn-traitor Saruman. Plus, the danger you will face on your way to the Prancing Pony does not even compare to the hazards thrown at you in Parts II and III. I'm sure you'll manage. _(Disappears with a magical 'pop')_

**Sam:** So what was that about your impending doom…?

_(At the sign of the Prancing Pony. It's pouring rain.)_

**Sam:** You know, Mr Frodo… I've been thinking…

**Frodo** _(under his breath)_: Never a good sign…

**Sam **_(continuing unabated)_: …that in fantasy stories, one never seems to be able to get from point A to point B without touching all the other letters of the alphabet, if you get my meanin'. I mean, so far we have met some elves, been accosted by a man who speaks only in rhyme, been nearly killed by wraiths, been stalked by suitably frightening minions of the Dark Lord and… Oh yeah! Picked up Merry and Pippin!

**Frodo:** Sam, you're thinking of the book. This is the movie script, and an abridged one at that. None of what you described has actually happened.

**Sam:** But that don't make no sense! Merry and Pippin are still here aren't they?

**Merry:** 'Course we're here! We're an integral part of the story!

**Pippin:** I mean, this dark and brooding tale needs a few snatches of ill-placed comic humour, don't it not?

**Frodo** _(ignoring the bickering that is beginning to erupt between his relations, steps into the inn)_: I see no signs of Gandalf. But there is a dark and mysterious stranger watching us in a most disturbing manner.

**Sam** _(whispering)_: Don't let appearances fool you, Mr Frodo. He might turn out to be a valuable ally or the long-lost heir of a kingdom. In any case, he looks to have seen his fair share of adventure. Maybe even knows Gandalf…

**Frodo**: Don't be ridiculous Sam! No one here knows that we're here to see…

**Aragon **_(in a gruff voice to match his rugged appearance)_: Evening, Frodo Baggins. I assume you are here to see Gandalf.

**Frodo**: Argh! How do you know about that?

**Aragon**: Plot device. In any event, the wizard is not coming. You need to follow me. _(Strides out the door)_

_(At the top of Weathertop. Weather is suitably ferocious to set the tone of the upcoming scene.)_

**Frodo**: Wait! How did we get here so fast? And where's Aragon?

**Sam**: Like you said yourself, Mr Frodo – this is an abridged script.

**Pippin**: But that doesn't explain how we lost that Strider guy.

**Sam: **Maybe the 'time-warp' couldn't handle it. Since we picked up you two _(inclining his head towards Merry and Pippin)_, we had to lose Strider. It is possible that the quantum mechanics that govern this form of travel have a weight limit and…

**Merry **_(interrupting Sam's impendingly tedious physics lecture)_: Umm… Guys… You might want to turn around…

_(Four Nazgûl advance upon them in slow motion, their robes and capes billowing in the wind. Menacing music rises in the background)_

**Sam**: Ah…This appears to be the part where the hero gets tainted by the force of evil. Merry, Pippin, move out of the way… You don't want to interfere with the plot now, do you?

**Merry and Pippin **_(in high-pitched unison)_: But what about Frodo? Wait. _Where_ is he?

_(The invisible Frodo is stabbed on cue by a Nazgûl sporting a wickedly evil-looking knife. Horrible screaming of unimaginable pain can be heard. Lighting crackles overheard.)_

**Sam **_(in response to Merry and Pippin's worried expressions)_: Don't worry about him; he'll survive. After all, this _is_ a trilogy.

_(Aragon appears out of nowhere with drawn sword and begins hacking away at the unfortunate Nazgûl who were only doing what their scripts had instructed them to do.)_

**Aragon **_(completely un-winded after the intense fight)_: The Nazgûl have been repelled. We must haste to Rivendell. Have wasted too much time already. And I am late for my date…

_(Rivendell, the Council of Elrond)_

**Elrond **_(in a majestic baritone)_**:** Friends! You have been summoned to this here Secret Council to decide the fate of Middle-Earth!

**Frodo:** Huh? I'm alive?

**Gandalf** _(in an annoyed whisper)_: Obviously. It would be bad form to kill the hero half-way through the first Booke. Now shut up and pay attention!

**Elrond** _(finishing his grand oration)_: …one of you must do this.

**Gandalf** _(jerking his thumb at a very confused Frodo)_: Since – in typical Gary Stu fashion – he has somehow managed to carry the Ring this far without becoming tainted by its malice, I nominate the midget.

**Frodo:** Hobbit! _(Pauses, confused)_ Wait… Nominate me for what?

**Rest of Council **_(intones dramatically)_: We concur.

**Elrond:** Very well. I need eight more volunteers.

**Gimli:** Wha' fer?

**Legolas** _(long golden tresses swirling mystically in the breeze)_: To act as a poetic and metaphoric counter-balance to The Nine. Numbers have enormous power and great significant in the fantasy genre, all the more so when they are paralleled and reflected by…

**Elrond **_(impatiently cutting off the sermon)_: So? Who will it be? _(Silence accompanied by self-conscious fidgeting) _Fine. Have it your way. The gnome–

**Frodo:** HOBBIT!

**Elrond **_(continuing, unabashed)_: …will be accompanied by his gardener, his miscreant relations, the clueless dwarf, the pretty elf-boy, the useless Gondorian and the heir-in-denial. And we'll add the wizard for good measure.

**Gandalf **_(shocked)_: What? I have better things to do than shepherd these witless goons half-way across the land! I am a very powerful wizard, I'll have you know, and…

**Elrond:** Don't worry. You will soon drop out of the story – quite literally. You only have to put up with them until Moria.

**Gandalf:** Fine! But I demand a pay-rise!

**Elrond** _(non-committed)_: I'll take it up with The Management. _(Turning to the resentful group who are already bickering amongst themselves)_ Since every fantasy band needs a suitably fantasy-esque name, you shall be known as the Fellowship of the Ring! _(Dramatic crescendo)_

_(The dark, dank and gloomy Mines of Moria)_

**Sam:** Well, for once, I have to say that I am glad for the 'time warp'. We have managed to cut down the story by several pages and avoid the month-long trek ending in a howling blizzard at the top of that temperamental mountain.

**Merry:** Yes, but now we are in these depressing caves full of mummified corpses and noxious air. They are making me lose my appetite…

**Pippin **_(disentangling himself from an enormously cliché spider web)_: Don't forget the cobwebs and the goblins!

**Frodo:** And we're being stalked by Gollum who has somehow managed to find us despite the huge size of Middle-Earth.

**Gimli** _(in the faux-Scottish accent delegated to dwarves)_: Och! Don't ye go insultin' these here mines, laddies! They'ere unce grand halls o' dwarven lairds fulla the musical sound o' a thousand score picks clanggin' 'gainst stone accompanied by merry laughter!

**Gandalf** (_stopping suddenly in uncharacteristic, brooding confusion)_: I have no memory of this place…

**Boromir:** Wait. So you're saying you're _not_ omniscient? _(Yelps as Aragorn elbows him painfully.)_

**Frodo:** So… What do we do now?

_(On the far side of the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm)_

**Frodo:** Oh, for crying out loud! That was the worst cut-scene in the history of script writing!

**Gimli:** Och! We missed out the dungeon brawl w' the troll? That were me fav'rit scene! _(Emits a small sob.)_

**Pippin:** We appear to be missing Gandalf…

**Legolas:** My elven heritage grants me a +2 bonus in low-light conditions. So despite the fact that there is no source of light in the vicinity, I believe our mislaid wizard is to be found in the middle of yonder bridge.

**Merry:** What is he waiting for?

**Aragorn:** That.

_(On cue, the towering Balrog steps onto the bridge. Its enormous weight immediately causes the bridge to collapse, causing both it and Gandalf to plummet into the yawning abyss below. Gandalf's faint cry of 'So long, suckers!' can just be discerned.)_

**Sam:** Well, that was anticlimactic…

_(Forests of Lothlorien)_

**Galadriel** _(exuding a glowing silvery-aura and speaking in an ethereal voice)_: Welcome, travellers. We known that you have been through much toil and sorrow. Unfortunately, you have no time to rest and gather your strength, for you must haste to the Falls of Rauros and to the end of this parodique instalment.

**Sam:** What? No lament for Gandalf? And Frodo does not get the chance to see the future in the Mirror that then plays a tantamount part in his decision to complete the quest alone?

**Galadriel:** I am afraid not, dear Samwise. Farewell.

_(Ruins of Amon Hen)_

**Frodo **_(testily):_ This is getting ridiculous. The author is sacrificing all semblance of narrative flow and character development for the sake of brevity. I've had it! I'm leaving! _(Marches off into the forest)_

**Sam** _(rushing after him)_: Mr Frodo! Wait!

**Legolas** _(whispering to Aragon)_: Do our hasty comrades know that the lands of Mordor are in yonder direction? _(Points across the river.)_

**Aragorn:** They'll figure it out eventually.

**Merry and Pippin:** Argh! Orcs!

**Legolas:** And if my keen elven eyes are correct, they are hybrid-mutant Uruk-hai from Isengard!

**Gimli **_(grabbing his axe)_: T' battle!

_(Dramatique battle scene where Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli somehow manage to slay 80% of the Uruk cadre without sustaining any injuries themselves.)_

**Legolas:** Hark! The wind carryeth the sorrowful note of a lone Gondorian horn!

**Aragorn** _(jabbing his sword into the air)_: To Boromir!

_(As the three fighters rush to the aid of their fellow human, Merry and Pippin are snatched up and carried away by those orcs who had been smart enough to stay out of the fight. Arriving at the source of the horn-blowing, the scant remains of the Fellowship find Boromir skewered by three arrows, but still alive. A particularly hunky-looking Uruk is about to plant a fourth into his skull.)_

**Aragorn** _(flying through the air in slow-motion)_: Noooooooooo…! _(He lands bodily on his target, literally squashing the life out of him.)_

**Gimli:** Och! That be a useful wee trick, that! Must try it meself sometime!

**Aragorn** _(rushing up to the prone body of Boromir)_: Stay with me! I never truly liked you, but now that you are about to die, I realise that I cannot let you go. Oh, my brother! I do not want to be king! The line of Stewards must not be broken! I– _(Boromir expires his last breath)_ Great…

**Gimli **_(first to recover from the shock of witnessing Aragorn's sudden verbosity)_: So, err… What do we do now?

**Legolas:** My keen elven eyes can discern no sign of our fellow halflings. They must have been abducted by the traitorous Saruman who is seeking the Ring for his own. We must hasten to their aid!

**Aragorn **_(sighs)_: If we must…


	2. The Two Towers

_This was originally mainly my brother's work, but I have ended up changing it quite significantly to fit with the characterisations of the Fellowship. Once I finish writing the Return of the King, I will upload my brother's original script. Meanwhile, enjoy The Two Towers!_

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**The Two Towers**

_ (In the impassable rock-maze of Emyn Muil. Frodo and Sam are eating elvish biscuits._)

**Frodo **_(chewing despondently)_: I can't believe we are still stuck in this ridiculous pastiche…

**Sam **_(chewing thoughtfully)_: This elvish stuff tastes like chicken.

**Frodo **_(sighs)_: No, it doesn't. It tastes like plain biscuits. And you have never tasted chicken.

**Sam: **It's an expression.

**Frodo**: You're right.

**Sam**: See? I am smarter than the average hobbit.

**Frodo** _(taint of evil from exposed contact with the Ring manifesting in an uncharacteristically harsh rebuke)_: And fatter than the average hobbit.

**Sam **_(lips quivering)_: Shut up.

_(Later… Sam and Frodo are sleeping.)_

**Gollum **_(appearing on a rock ledge above the unsuspecting hobbits, muttering to himself)_:They stole it from us and they will keep it. We must takes it back! _(Jumps onto Frodo.)_

**Frodo:** ARGH! The demented ex-hobbit, who has been stalking us and who calls the One Ring 'Precious'.

**Gollum**: So?

**Frodo**: Well, I find that a bit disturbing.

**Gollum:** It's part of our malevolent characterisations, yes it is. So tricksy hobbit-thief must gets used to it.

**Frodo**: Well, what if I don't?

**Gollum**: We not cares. Just give us The Precious! _(Lunges at Frodo again.)_

**Sam:** He will never give it up!

**Frodo and Gollum** _(in confused unison)_: Who?

**Sam:** Both of you, apparently…

**Gollum: **Then we steals it! _(Prepares to pounce on Frodo anew.)_

**Frodo**: Never! _(Pauses thoughtfully)_ Hmm… Your sudden appearance here tonight must be some sort of plot device. The writer is never very subtle with those… I know! You could lead us out of here and to the Gates of Mordor!

**Sméagol **_(Frodo's words apparently brainwashing him into obedience and into the arms of his alter ego)_: Yes, Master. Follow me, Master.

(_Meanwhile… On the Plains of Rohan…)_

**Aragon **_(muttering to himself)_: It's taking forever to catch up with those damned orcs… This was a seriously bad idea… I mean, who the hell can run for three days straight with no food, no water and no rest…?

**Gimli **_(rolling on the ground behind Aragorn at fascinating speed)_: Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'!

**Legolas **_(completely un-winded and hair still somehow immaculate)_: Master Dwarf, forgive my impudence, but I find it highly unseemly that thou art rolling on the ground like common swine…

**Gimli **_(rolling past)_: Och! Ye have some cheek, ye faerie. Likenin' a dwarf t' a pig! Bah! I'll show ye a _real _dwarf…

**Aragorn** _(scanning the ground)_: Will you two grow up? _(To himself)_ If my epic ranger skills are correct – and they always are – then we appear to be gaining on the orcs. If we hurry, we should catch up with them by nightfall and get this stupid side-quest over with…

_(Meanwhile… At the Gates of Mordor…)_

**Frodo**: Thank heavens that we skipped those gods-forsaken marshes… Hey, look! The Gates of Mordor are opening and look at that _huge_ army marching in. It would be a convenient place to hide ourselves and sneak into the Land of Shadow.

**Sméagol **_(grabbing Frodo's cloak)_: No, Master! You must not go to Gates! Yous be killed. Sméagol know another way…

**Sam **_(voice rising in pitch and volume with each word)_: What! Why didn't you tell us before? We walked all this way for _nothing_! _(Huge Army notices the shouting and begins marching on the hobbits in a menacing fashion.)_

**Sméagol**: _(looking sheepishly at the ground)_ Sorry… I forgots.

**Huge Army **_(arriving at the hobbits' hiding place and raising their weapons)_: Kill ze intruders!

**Frodo and Sam**: RUN!

_(…After they got the army off their tail and have been walking for several hours.)_

**Sam **_(wheezing and dragging his feet)_: This quest is taking for_ever_!

**Frodo**: Let's play I-Spy.

**Sam**: Sure! It will help pass the time.

**Frodo**: I spy…something fat.

**Sam**: Umm… that fat tree trunk?

**Frodo**: No.

**Sam**: Then?

**Frodo**: YOU…! _(Growing taint of evil manifests into a menacing laugh.)_ MWUHAHAHA!

**Sam**: _(looking suspiciously at Frodo):_ Mr Frodo, are you sure you're alright? I mean, that was the second uncharacteristic comment about my build. And…that laugh was just plain frightening!

**Frodo**: Of course I'm fine! Stop questioning me! _(Eyes start glowing maliciously)_

**Sam **_(not entirely convinced)_**: **Erm, okay… I guess… _(Puts a hand on Frodo's shoulder.)_ But just so you know, Mr Frodo, I will always be here for you. So if there's anything you want to tell your old Sam, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or…

**Frodo: **NO! I refuse to go down that so-oft clichéd path of homosexual-undertones! _(Backs away from Sam with fear in his eyes)_

**Sam: **There's nothing gay about admitting your feelings, Mr Frodo…

**Frodo** _(panic rising in his voice)_: Can we get a cut scene now, please?

_(Meanwhile… Still on the Plains of Rohan, the remains of the Fellowship have been surrounded by Rohirrim)_

**Éomer:** Hey… I know you! You're that Aragon dude, aren't you?

**Aragon:** Yes…?

**Éomer:** Oh my gods! I am, like, your _biggest_ fan! Here; have these free horses that we are conveniently carrying with us.

**Aragorn:** Erm… Thanks. I guess…

**Legolas**: Pardon me, noble horsemaster, but have you by any chance espied two halflings being manhandled against their will by fearsome mutant-orcs?

**Éomer:** Err, no dude. Sorry. We, like,_ killed_ all them orcs last night. But ya'll welcome to have a poke around their smoking asses. _(Looks at Aragorn)_ Peace out, A-Town! Keep it real, y'all! _(Riders of Rohan ride off.)_

_(Meanwhile… In Fangorn Forest)_

**Pippin:** Look, Merry. It's a talking tree!

**Treebeard: **Tree…? I…am…no…tree…! I…am…an…Ent!

**Merry:** Yup. Definitely a tree…

_(Meanwhile… At the Golden Hall of Edoras)_

**Gríma:** Gandalf Scarecrow! You are not welcome here! _(Vegetate Théoden gurgles in agreement.)_

**Gandalf: **WHAT? I am _back_? I thought I had died and had rid myself of this disastrous lampoon! I despise the fantasy genre… People aren't even allowed to _die_ and rest in peace; they just _have_ to be brought back from the dead for some ridiculous purpose. I'm going to have a thing or two to say to The Management about this… _(To his companions)_ What the hell am I supposed to do here?

**Legolas:** I believe, noble wizard, that thou art to perform some frightening voodoo magicks and exorcise thy arch-nemesis Saruman from this here hapless king of men.

**Gandalf:** Fine. Let's get it over and done with… _(Whacks Théoden over the head with his staff.)_

**Théoden:** Oww! _(Pauses)_ Behold! Mine eyes can clearly perceive the light of day anew and…

**Gandalf:** NO! None of that tedious Shakesperisising! We already have the elf for that. _(Gimli snickers.)_ Anyway. I want this instalment over and done with as quickly as possible. Your son is dead, your nephew banished, and it's the fault of that slithering con artist. I suggest you fire him and move your people to Helm's Deep ASAP.

**Theoden:** But…

**Gandalf:** No buts! Aragorn, you're in charge.

**Aragorn:** What? Another side-quest? Is this what the heir of Númenor is relegated to – babysitting kings?

**Gandalf:** That's what you get for refusing to accept your one true destiny. Now, quit wasting time! I have important 'wizards' business to attend to in the north. Don't expect me back until you _actually_ need me. _(Disappears with an angry 'pop'.)_

_(Meanwhile… Back in Fangorn Forest…)_

**Treebeard:** After…many…hours…of…mind…numbing…discussion…we…have…decided… that…

**Merry and Pippin:** *snore*

**Treebeard:** …you…are…not…orcs…

**Merry** _(snapping awake)_: What? It took you that friggin' long?

**Treebeard:** It…takes…a…very….long…time…to…say…

**Merry:** All right, all right right! We get the bloody point! _(To himself)_ I can't believe our role in this story has been demoted to conversing with trees… _(Notices that Pippin is still blissfully asleep.)_ You're useless!

_(Meanwhile… Helm's Deep is being attacked by a virtual sea of Uruk-Hai.)_

**Legolas **_(firing arrows at lightning speed from his never-ending supply)_: Avast, ye patron of Evil! Feel the sting of mine arrows of righteousness!

**Aragon**: Um… That's Gimli…

**Legolas **_(recovering momentarily from his battle fervour to realise that he is about to skewer Gimli)_: Pardon my mistake, Master Dwarf. Now, if you would excuse me… PERISH YE ORC!

_(Meanwhile… In Faramir's secret hide-out…)_

**Faramir:** At last! The Ring of Power is within my grasp and I can finally prove to my daddy that I am not a useless whelp!

**Frodo **_(feebly)_: No! You must let us go!

**Faramir **_(imperiously)_: Take them to my father!

**Sam:** You Gondorians are all so thick! Your idiotic brother died because of his addiction to that ring. He developed split-personality _and _bipolar disorder. Do you want to end up like Gollum after OD-ing on evil power? _(Gollum cackles evilly.)_

**Faramir:** No… I guess not… Fine. You can go complete your suicide quest. _(To himself)_ And I will continue to put up with child-abuse…

_ (Meanwhile… The wall of Helm's Deep is blown up by gunpowder imported from China. Uruk-Hai start pouring into the keep.)_

**Aragorn:** Hmm… This side-quest is turning out to be more difficult than previously anticipated. This calls for drastic action… HUDDLE! (_Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli huddle.)_ All right. Gimli, you do the rolling tackle and we'll take care of the rest. Got it? Good. Hands in the middle.

**Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli **_(chanting)_**:** Hud, tow, tree! We are Fellowship, we are best, we are gonna kill the rest! FELLOWSHIP! _(Legolas and Aragon roll Gimli into the oncoming orcs.)_

**Gimli**: Keep rollin', rollin, _rollin_'! _(Orcs all die.)_

**Aragon**: Well, that was easy…


	3. The Return of the King

**The Return of the King**

_(At the soggy ruins of Isengard…)_

**Saruman** _(standing at the top of his fearsome black tower, about a mile in the air, but still somehow managing to be heard down below)_: You may have won the battle, but you have lost the war, Gandalf! You will never best me!

**Gandalf** _(dressed in neon green Bermudas)_: Oh, great! Trust the narrator to yank you away from your well-deserved mojito just when you were about to take a well-deserved sip… And to continuously recycle well-worn clichés… _(To Saruman)_ All right, you old git. Come down here and tell us Sauron's plans and we will consider _not_ killing you.

**Saruman:** Never! I will die before you can take me alive! _(Hurls Palantir at Gandalf, but misses horribly, managing to hit Pippin instead, who careens into the water.)_

**Pippin **_(resurfacing and rubbing his head)_: Oww… Hey look! A shiny ball of doom! It's awfully _preeety_…

**Gandalf:** Give me that! _(Snatched Palanir away.) _All right everyone. We got what we came for. Let's leave this fetid place. The humidity here is not conducive to the frizz-free nature of my long, silvery locks.

**Théoden:** Halt! Art thou saying we art _not_ to deal out most severe punishment onto yon evil wizard for his heinous crimes?

**Gandalf **_(already turning his horse away)_: It's being taken care of…

**Grima** _(stabbing Saruman repeatedly)_: That's for not paying my wages! That's for treating me like a worthless whelp! And _that's_ for not letting me use your organic conditioner! _(The Companions watch with a mixture of horror and bedazzlement as Saruman falls a mile and skewers himself on grisly spikes.)_

**Gandalf **_(happy for once)_: Don't you just love plot devices?

_(Meanwhile… On the gravity-defying steps of Cirith Ungol…)_

**Frodo** _(appearing and disappearing)_:Ring goes on…Rings goes off…Rings goes on…Ring goes off… Oh, Sam! This is _sooo_ great!

**Sam**: Erm, Mr Frodo… Didn't Gandalf warn you never to put the Ring on lest the forces of evil be drawn to you?

**Frodo **_(invisible)_: Pfft! No, he didn't. This is an abridged script. We don't have time for all those useless details. And quit lecturing me! You're making me look bad in front of Sméagol…

**Sméagol **_(sliding up beside Frodo)_**: **Yeah, fat hobbit! Master deserves better friendses than you! You shoulds leave. We has no uses for you!

**Frodo** _(thoughtfully)_: Yes… Now that I think about, Sméagol is right. Thus far you have served no real purpose in this story. You _should_ leave…

**Sam **_(tears welling up in his eyes)_: B-but, Mister Frodo… Y-you can't mean that…

**Frodo** _(eyes glowing maliciously)_: Oh, but I think I do… Be gone, you worthless tool!

**Sam** _(falling on his face in despair and pounding the ground with his fists)_: NOOOOOOOOO! Mister Frodo! I cannot _LIVE_ without you! You are the bright star that shines on the murky horizon of my dreams, guiding me to a better life! You cannot deny that we have something special and that it would be a colossal error to give it up and…

**Frodo:** Silence, mortal! I have no more use for your pathetic grovelling and homoerotic boot-licking. Sméagol here is my new BFF, and you can do nothing about it! Muahahaha! _(Turns away with a dramatic cloak-swirl to the sound of Sam's echoing wail crescendoing off the sombre rock faces.)_

_(Meanwhile… Back in Edoras once more…)_

**Pippin: **Argh! No! The _horror_! Make it stop! Make it stop!

**Gandalf:** You witless Took! _(Back-hands Pippin across the face, making him drop the Palantir.)_ I _told_ you not to touch that!

**Pippin:** B-but it was ever so shiny… And it showed me…_images_…

**Gandalf** _(suddenly interested)_: Yes? What did you see?

**Pippin:** Well, I think I managed to catch Sauron getting ready for his bath. And let me tell you, it was not a pretty sight… _(Shudders)_

**Gandalf:** You worthless, peeping midget! Did you see anything _useful_?

**Pippin:** Erm… Define 'useful'…

**Gandalf:** Oh, never mind! _(Grabs Pippin by the ear and begins dragging him out of the room.)_

**Pippin:** Oww! Wait! Where are we going?

**Gandalf:** We are nearing the battle-heady climax of an epic fantasy story. Where do you think?

**Pippin:** To see the dragons?

**Gandalf:** No, you idiot. That was _The_ _Hobbit_. We're going to the only conceivably important place left on the map that we haven't yet stumbled across even after almost a thousand pages of farcical adventuring. Though why I am taking you, of all people, I have no idea… _(Pippin stares at him uncomprehendingly. Gandalf continues testily.)_ The place where the fate of the land will be decided in the biggest, most comically oversized battle the world ever seen, at the last bastion of freedom and hope, where the forces of righteous good take on the minions of bottomless evil, which can only be _where_?

**Pippin:** Umm… I flunked Geography… And I slept through Tolkien in English…

**Gandalf:** Why does that not surprise me…?

**Aragorn:** What do we do?

**Gandalf:** Why does everyone always expect me to hit them with wisdom? You are all a grown men! Figure it out! _(Slams door angrily.)_

_(Confused silence on behalf of all the men. Then…)_

**Together:** STAG NIGHT!

_(Meanwhile, in the chilly and mirthless throne room of Gondor…)_

**Denethor:** So let me get this straight… You're telling me that you abandoned Osgiliath to an Orcish _scouting party_ who managed to overrun the city using an outdated, WWII-inspired amphibious landing technique?

**Faramir:** They also had Nazgûl… That was not part of our training…

**Denethor:** Spare me your feeble excuses, _boy_! Your brother could have held that city single-handedly, and you can't even hold it with an entire company of seasoned rangers and paladins?

**Faramir** _(tears springing into his baby-blue eyes)_: It appears I have failed you yet again, father… I am sorry I cannot live up to your unrealistic expectations…

**Denethor:** Damn right you are! Now get me back that city! _(Faramir stares at him in horror)_ What? You think taking back a city held by ruthless, bloodthirsty orcs is hard? Try passing a kidney stone! That's hard!

**Faramir:** But…

**Denethor:** Quit questioning me! In fact, you should be thanking me! This way your name _might_ stand a chance at making its way into the annals of history, perhaps has a footnote to one of the many heroic accomplishments of your sadly-deceased brother. _(Heaves a mighty sob_) Now go. Leave me to my _manly_ grief…

**Faramir **_(to himself)_: Where is Social Services when you need them…?

_(Meanwhile, at the top of the gravity-defying steps of Cirith Ungol…)_

**Frodo:** Oh, the weight! I can't take it anymore… Oh, help me dear Sam! Sam?

**Sméagol:** Fat hobbit ain't here, Master. Yous sent him home, remember?

**Frodo:** I did? I can't remember… Everything is such a blur and the weight…Oh, the weight! It's unbearable…!

**Gollum:** Don'ts worry, Master… Its will all be over, _very _soons! In facts, it will all be over rights nows! _(Shoves Frodo in a cobweb infested lair of putrid stench, cackling uncontrollably.)_

**Frodo:** ARGH! It's sticky! Sméagol, what is this place? Sméagol? This is not funny! I have very acute arachnophobia!

**Gollum:** You'll sees! Mwehehehe!

**Frodo:** Smé– ARGH! _(Frodo comes face-to-face with an oversized spider, no doubt the mutated result of escaped radiation from Mordor's attempts to build a WMD in secret using incompetent Orcish engineers. In a horribly anti-climatic moment, the bulbous bug pricks our hero, hopelessly paralysing him, and proceeds to encase him in…)_

**Sam:** Oh, no you don't, you pesky bug! (_Sam blasts the offending offal with Raid__ Super Strength__TM__ insect repellent, which shrinks back to its normal size and skitters away dejectedly. Our hero's saviour rushes forward excitedly.) _Oh, look, Mister Frodo, see how convenient plot devices are! It seems I have appeared in the nick o' time to save you from fermenting alive in web-juice. Not that I intended to ever leave you again, you see, being your literary foil and all, but…

**Frodo:** Will you just shut up already? I have the worst migraine _ever_ and your incessant babbling is not helping!

**Sam **_(to himself)_: And here I was, hoping for some gratitude… Some people are just impossible to please!

**Sméagol:** Yeah, tell us about it…

**Gollum:** Hey!

_(Meanwhile, in the besieged city of Gondor…)_

**Gandalf** _(standing on top of the battlements and shouting enthusiastically as arrows and rubble careen through the air)_: Yar! Onwards mateys! Use 'em cannons t' blast 'em t' smithereens!

**Pippin:** Um, Gandalf? This is LOTR… Not POTC…

**Gandalf:** Bah, the Generation Y obsession with reducing everything to bloody acronyms always had me confused me! Plus, Orlando Bloom's presence is not helping… _(Stares accusatorily at Legolas as he proceeds to single-handedly take out an overgrown elephant with all its riders, while managing to defy the laws of gravity.)_ Wait… Where is the heir and the dwarf? And most importantly, where is that king of the Anglo-Saxon Cossacks with our reinforcements?

**Pippin **_(shuffles his feet guiltily)_: Erm….

**Gandalf:** Spit it out.

**Pippin:** Well, after we left, the boys threw a massive party and got ridiculously drunk. I guess they're sleeping it off. Didn't you see the pictures on Facebook?

**Gandalf **_(to himself)_: Now I understand why every fantasy cadre needs a Wise Old Wizard to watch over the heroes…

**Pippin:** Can't you just cast a powerful wizardly spell and turn all the Orcs into toads or something?

**Gandalf:** NO! Absolutely not!

**Pippin:** Why not?

**Gandalf:** Because that would be too easy. There are very strict rules about this type of thing and…

**Pippin:** Oh, I see… You _can't_ do it…

**Gandalf:** What? That is a preposterous implication, I…

**Pippin:** Yeah, yeah. That's what they all say… That whole thing about being 'the most powerful wizard the world has ever seen'? That's just an act, and I can see right through it… I mean, when was the last time you so much as pulled a bunny out of your hat? Face it, Gandalf… You're too _old_.

**Gandalf:** Bah! Too old! I'll show you too old! _(Blast the million-orc army off the face of the earth with a snap of his fingers.)_ Ha! Stick _that_ in your pipe and smoke it!

**Pippin:** Awesome! Now, if you could just do the same to the whole of Mordor, we'd be home free!

**Gandalf:** Not a chance.

**Pippin:** Why…?

**Gandalf:** That useless heir needs to start pulling his weight…

_(Later, at the Black Gate of Mordor…)_

**Gandalf** _(shouting gleefully)_: Sauron! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Look, the Last King of Men is here to see you!

**Aragorn** _(still very much hung-over)_: Eugh… Tell me again, why are we doing this…?

**Gandalf** _(hissing impatiently)_: Because, we have to distract the All-Seeing Eye so that Frodo can destroy the Ring, assuming the highly improbable scenario he is in a fit state to do so. And who better for that than you? After all, it was your ancestor who took the Ring from Sauron, and I hear the Dark Lord bears grudges for a _very_ long time…

**Gimli:** So…we're bait?

**Legolas:** 'Tis correct, Master Dwarf. I art overjoyed thou hast learnt to state the obvious.

**Aragorn:** I dunno… I'm not sure I…

**Gandalf:** Silence, fool! My plan is _perfect!_ _(Gates bursts open.)_ See? It's working already.

**Théoden** _(as a massive army pours out the Gates_): Did thy plan account for an unruly host of fearsome, mutant creatures?

**Gandalf:** Minor, insignificant detail…

_(Meanwhile, in the belly of Mount Doom…)_

**Sam: **Mr Frodo! This is it! Cast the Ring into the fire so we may be rid of its evil once and for all!

**Frodo: **No.

**Sam: **Wait. What?

**Frodo: **That's right, Sam. I have decided to keep the Ring. It's too _precious _to be destroyed…

**Sam: **But…

**Frodo:** …and with its power, I vill Rule Ze World!_ (Slips Ring on and becomes invisible to the crescendo of Wagner's Flight of the Valkeries to underscore the Nazi WWII parallel embedded in Tolkien's tome for the benefit of those readers who may have missed it.)_

**Gollum** _(zooming through the air out of nowhere)_: NO! Never! The Precious is ours! _(Lands bodily on Frodo despite the fact that he is invisible and the two begin the Ultimate Battle for the Ring to Decide the Fate of Middle Earth.)_

**Sam** _(from the side-lines)_: That's right Mr Frodo! Stick him in the gullet! Show him who's the boss! Watch out! He's about to… Oh! That _must've_ hurt!

**Gollum** _(cackling gleefully)_: It's ours! The Precious is ours! This is the best days of our lives!

**Frodo:** No… This…is…SPARTA! _(Kicks Gollum into lava, causing the Ring to be destroyed and the whole of Mordor to implode on itself.)_

_(Meanwhile, back at the Black Gate…)_

**Aragorn:** Holy…! Did you guys all see that? Or am I more hung over than I think I am?

**Legolas:** Nay, my dubiously inebriated friend, thy eyes speak no lies. The unholy land of fetid evil doth in fact vanisheth off the face of this fair earth, no doubt prematurely expunging the lives of our vertically challenged companions. 'Tis truly a sorrowful day…

**Sam:** What are you talking about? We're right here. The Time-Warp saved us in the nick-o'-time!

**Frodo:** WHAT? We didn't die, despite _all_ the odds? Now that is just cliché…

**Gandalf:** Tell me about it… And you have about three more faux-endings ahead of you before you can go and get treated for post-traumatic stress disorder…

**Frodo:** Being the hero sucks…

**Legolas** _(forgetting his Shakespeare in a moment of rage)_: Hey, you think you have it bad? What about me? I get mobbed by fan girls wherever I go! I can't even buy a carton of milk without…

**Gimli:** Oh, shut yer hole. We all know ye secretly love it.

**Legolas:** Why you little…

**Pippin:** I say it's time to sit back and enjoy the show with a nice pipe of Old Toby's finest weed. What do you say Merry?

**Merry:** After a hard day's work saving the world, how can I say no?

**Gandalf **_(meaningfully)_: And I think that just about sums it up…

THE END


End file.
